Anger is often a secondary emotion. We might first feel offended, rejected, or disrespected before getting angry. In this sermon we will explore how the gospel ministers to the primary negative emotions that we feel each day.
I’m reading a book called “You Are What You Think” by Dr. David Stoop. In his chapter on self-talk and anger, he writes:
Whenever we become angry, we have initial feelings of hurt, frustration, or implied threat that we need to pay attention to. But when we get over those initial feelings, and still feel angry, it is because we are making demands on another person, or a situation.
He gives an example of a a wife who spends all afternoon preparing a very special dinner, but when the husband comes home, he goes straight to the TV and hides in his lounger-chair. It’s been a bad day at work. The wife is angry, thinking “He should know how hard I worked this afternoon! He should make more effort to come home in a better mood!” Dr. Stoop writes:
There’s an ‘obscene’ word in some of those statements, which ties in to the basic cause of anger. That word is ‘should’ [or shouldn’t]. Every time you feel frustration or hurt that leads to anger, you can connect your anger to the ‘should’ in your Self-Talk… [or] words like must, gotta, ought to, and so forth. They all do the same thing – they trigger anger. And they do this because we are making a demand on a situation or person – a demand that we cannot effectively guarantee will be met. And that’s the source of our anger… when we set up these demands within our Self-Talk, we create an emotional tension within that takes the form of anger.
So the key to defusing our anger is to identify the demands we make and to change them into statements of desires. For example, the wife can change her Self-Talk to say “I wish he’d notice all the work I’ve done. I don’t like the way he acts when he comes home. Perhaps I can talk with him about that.” Expressing the feelings in this way does not mean we get what we want, but it reduces the tension and gives us emotional energy to find creative ways to deal with the situation.
By changing our attitude from one of demand to one of desire, we can focus on how we can achieve our wishes rather than fuming in our unmet expectations. We can pray for wisdom and guidance as we examine our desires and recalibrate our expectations. We can take time to listen, understand and empathise before passing judgment on others.
“ Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil… Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:26-32
by: Jinha Kim
"But those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:14
Oh, it really wasn’t so bad. But it was one of those days – woke up groggy, made brekky for the family, watched anxiously as my father-in-law frantically re-packed for the airport, choked up as he broke down in tears kissing Micah goodbye, and then felt this pang of emptiness as I cleaned up his room and laundered his sheets.
Dropped Micah off at childcare and then drove to Melton to do some visitations. After a few visits, there was one more person I really wanted to see, and I wanted to take her a framed picture of Micah I had promised her, so I dropped by the Woodgrove shopping center. Having purchased the frame, I assembled it in the boot and then shut the boot – only to realise with a sinking heart that the car keys were inside.
I called the various people I now disappointed (the member I was going to visit, another member I was supposed to drive to a Leadership Meeting in Tullamarine, the senior pastor of Northpoint, Sam, who I had made go to my place only to have to walk back home, and my husband, who had to cancel a bible study and miss a meeting to come and bail me out).
Roy suggested I call the locksmith, but they quoted me $150 and said “we’ll give it our best go, but no guarantees.” Horror stories of locksmiths damaging the wiring of the car, etc. came to haunt me and I could not bring myself to secure their services.
So I refused to call the locksmith and insisted Roy come pick me up. I emphatically stated, “I’m not paying a locksmith. I’m staying here until you come, even if I have to wait all night.” I hung up without waiting for a reply, as if to prove my point.
So Roy picked up Micah from childcare and came an hour out of his way to drop off the spare key. I thought the least I could do was take Micah back, so I took our hungry, tired boy and noticed he was barefoot. “He didn’t have any shoes on when I picked him up,” Roy said.
I had forgotten to put them on this morning when I had dropped him off! Oops.
My poor hungry, tired, and barefoot boy wailed all the way home (all 50 minutes) and by the time I got home, I felt like crying myself.
My day was not really a bad day, compared to so many people out there who struggled with real pain today, but it was not a day I was proud of . . . not only for my forgetfulness, but for my reactions and attitude throughout the evening.
I had been angry at myself, angry at the exorbitant cost of a locksmith, angry at Roy for suggesting a locksmith, angry at the Schnitz employee for giving me chicken in my veggie wrap, angry at the tailgaters on my drive home…
Where did all this anger come from?
I don’t know, but I knew I didn’t want it to linger in my spirit.
The wise king said, “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:9). Anger is counter-productive; it keeps us from making rational choices.
Paul counselled, “In your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26,27). I think I gave the devil a welcome mat today.
James also advised, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19,20).
As I reflect on my day, I realise that I should have prayed more and fumed less. Instead of spending so much time being upset, I should have been grateful for having been “stuck” at a mall, with bathrooms, restaurants, and cell phone chargers so accessible. I should have been gracious to others and myself, for how can I love my neighbours if I can’t even love myself?
So as the sun sets and the day folds, I pray to the God who is slow to anger and abounding in mercy, Father, forgive me, for I have sinned…
And I can almost hear His soothing voice say, “So you had a bad day…”
by: Jinha Kim
"But those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:14