I’m reading a book called “You Are What You Think” by Dr. David Stoop. In his chapter on self-talk and anger, he writes:
Whenever we become angry, we have initial feelings of hurt, frustration, or implied threat that we need to pay attention to. But when we get over those initial feelings, and still feel angry, it is because we are making demands on another person, or a situation.
He gives an example of a a wife who spends all afternoon preparing a very special dinner, but when the husband comes home, he goes straight to the TV and hides in his lounger-chair. It’s been a bad day at work. The wife is angry, thinking “He should know how hard I worked this afternoon! He should make more effort to come home in a better mood!” Dr. Stoop writes:
There’s an ‘obscene’ word in some of those statements, which ties in to the basic cause of anger. That word is ‘should’ [or shouldn’t]. Every time you feel frustration or hurt that leads to anger, you can connect your anger to the ‘should’ in your Self-Talk… [or] words like must, gotta, ought to, and so forth. They all do the same thing – they trigger anger. And they do this because we are making a demand on a situation or person – a demand that we cannot effectively guarantee will be met. And that’s the source of our anger… when we set up these demands within our Self-Talk, we create an emotional tension within that takes the form of anger.
So the key to defusing our anger is to identify the demands we make and to change them into statements of desires. For example, the wife can change her Self-Talk to say “I wish he’d notice all the work I’ve done. I don’t like the way he acts when he comes home. Perhaps I can talk with him about that.” Expressing the feelings in this way does not mean we get what we want, but it reduces the tension and gives us emotional energy to find creative ways to deal with the situation.
By changing our attitude from one of demand to one of desire, we can focus on how we can achieve our wishes rather than fuming in our unmet expectations. We can pray for wisdom and guidance as we examine our desires and recalibrate our expectations. We can take time to listen, understand and empathise before passing judgment on others.
“ Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil… Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:26-32
by: Jinha Kim
"But those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:14
A few weeks ago, one of Micah’s friends was having an outdoor birthday party. The forecast predicted rain for that day, which would have really put a damper on the party. So Micah and I prayed that it would not rain so that our friends would not be stressed or sad.